Saturday, July 15, 2023

Moving on is Hard

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum


the past few weeks I assigned myself the task of completing the recitation of Baqara in my home every 3 days at least. When Baqara is recited in the home the devils leave for three days. 

Immediately after I finish reciting it, every single time, I can feel the house purify. My children are less agitated. My mind becomes clear. And the quality of my thoughts change. This week I read Baqara Monday. Then I forgot to read it after that and three days passed. 

It was subtle, the return of tue devils to my home. It felt like a cloud rolled in and worry began to furrow my brow. Thing is I wouldn’t even have noticed a difference if I hadn’t been reciting Baqara so often so many weeks. I thank Allah for granting me that opening. I thank Allah for allowing me to be a means of protection for my children. Alhamdulillah!

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Milestones

 Bismillah 

Assalaamu alaikum,

Year 4, Day 678 (yes I just made that up)

I keep telling myself what to do and then not doing it. It took nearly 17 years (not making that up) for me to finally know what it takes to attain to Quran. It takes heart and courage. It takes obsession. It takes unforgiving, unrelenting marching and return. It takes sweat, tears and sadness. But first of all and most of all it takes humility and taubah. 

I cannot do this except… with Allah’s gracious mercy. How kind is Allah! 

When I first learned that the person who memorizes Quran goes to Jannah I was thrilled and wanted to give it a try. And when I learned that that person gets to take 70 others with them I was elated and floored at the same time. Memorizing Quran is the first thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up. And just this year I finally figured out exactly what its going got take to get there. 

So here it is. I’ll tell you. Maybe you can get there before me. 

Number one start with taubah repentance. Start with humility. Allah knows every secret in every corner of my soul and yours. And yet He still gives us eyes that see and ears that hear. Once I began to make taubah every day I started to see my sins. Don’t stop! And don’t be afraid Blackseed. Allah already knew my sins and He knows your sins. He is showing them to us in this world so we don’t have to deal with them on the day of judgement. So stay humble. 

Number 2. Be realistic. I am not going to memorize the entire Quran in 6 months or 2 years. Stop making unrealistic goals and stop taking self defeating measures. Make a plan that is sensible and that you think you can stick to day after day with only 1 day off weekly and Eid holidays. Then cut that plan in half. This is the starting point. 

Number three Start every day fresh and don’t cry about the past. I cannot go back to the time that I first began writing this blog and make myself have completed memorization. Reality doesn’t work that way. And it's not supposed to. You have to fail enough times that you give up. Then you have to pick yourself up enough times that it becomes a cliche, a joke. Until you… until I reached the point where quitting is no longer part of my vocabulary. Indeed! One must reach the point where failure no longer exists. There are simply days where Allah blessed me to do more work or days where Allah blessed me to get more rest. Period!

And finally one must rely on Allah the way the prophets did. They are the ones who understood the secret that most of us don’t perceive. Allah is orchestrating all of this. Every moment, of every second, of every breath, of every day is all being done by Allah. Will we not then be grateful. Will we not then relax? Will I not then leave my worry behind me?    

Now that I know these truths I have only to write my plan and execute.

I know I can memorize a page a day. So I will memorize half a page per day. 

Wake up and make taubah or 100 istighfar followed by at least 11 salawaat. Then read my half page 100 times. Then Revise Baqara

The second round of the day I memorize my half page then revise juz 28 thru 30. And thats all folks.  That’s all. 

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum, 

When I started this process I had no idea what in the world I was doing. It has taken four and a half years but I am finally getting the hang of it. Sing a song of Praise for Allah. I had no idea the stamina it would take to read even 1 juz consistently every single day. An now I find that I need to read 3 and I have to memorize my lines. And I have to revise the most recent hizb I memorized at least 4 times which is in effect reading another 2-3 ajzaa’. So really I read 6 juz a day.) And that has to be done just to maintain 5 juz. The aim is 30. 

But here’s the thing. Here’s the secret 🤫. So please don’t spread it too far. When the intention is sincere all a person has to do is show up. Really and truly. Showing up is all that is required. Allah takes care of the rest. I find that my greatest struggle is just being where I need to be at the time I need to be there and starting my process. Once I begin Allah takes over. I am instantaneously amazed at the progress I make. Making the decision to get there… that has been hard. And it has been a source of pain deep in my spirit.

I want  Quran and I need Quran. But what if I neglect my children or family and Allah becomes angry with me? (That excuse barely makes sense.) Or what if I can’t really do it and I give up and fail in front of my kids. (That excuse for not showing up makes even less sense.) Nevertheless… It still is a source of worry.

Anyway This week I will do something different. I will not think. I will tell myself what to do and simply execute!. 

1. Don’t complain. Yes it’s awful that my potty trained daughter peed on the floor because she didn't feel like going to the bathroom. But so what. If I reach old age and end up peeing on floors and crying about, she can clean it up. Bwahahahahaa.

2. Put Quran first. The first to do. The only to do every Quran workday is Quran. Allah has already taken care of the rest. 

3. Suck It Up. I am not the most hurt person in the world. Whatever the hardship, problem, pain, heartache, etc. someone else will always win the who suffers the most contest. So stop trying to compete. Suck it up and do the work.

4. Always tell yourself something good. It takes guts to memorize quran. I have guts. I have heart.  

 Bismillah,

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere fast giving up on my dreams only to realize that i have to keep going. Then I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

Every morning I wake up and have to tell myself, remind myself what it is that I am doing. Okay so it’s not really that dramatic. But sometimes I do get so exhausted that I forget the point of working so hard for a goal. And I just want to sleep for a week. In this case the goal is so far away that it isn’t really about the goal. No. It’s about the transformation along the way. And I have a ways to go. 

I remember Master Yoda telling me an aya once. It went something like…”Quran is a healing for everything in the breast.” It never occurred to me that that might mean that everything ailment in my soul is going to be brought out and released if I really try to memorize Quran. Or that I would be forced to learn and grow if I want to even have a chance at attaining my goal.

That has been the hardest part for me. It is the discovery that I am not as great as I think I am. I have more flaws than I may ever know. And at the same time, nor am I as terrible as Satan whispers to me that I am. And with consistent taubah all of my sins will be continually washed away. I am water being filtered through Quran. And the process right now is slow. And Allahu Akbar it is also steady. 

 


Wednesday, February 22, 2023

 Bismilllah

As Salaamu alaikum,

Im almost there I have almost completed the 29th juz. Ten lines to memorize and I’m done. So I’m typing this to give my self a pep talk because there are so many things I need to do that i would rather just lay in bed and go to sleep on top of the mountain of laundry I need to fold. But no! Not today. Today I will sit and read my quran for an hour before i do anything else. I will eat my vegetables and enjoy them. 

Monday, January 30, 2023

Settling into the Rhythm of Qur’an

 Bismillah,

Assalaamu alaikum

SubhaanAllah there are moments while memorizing Quran where I lose myself in the words and… and just allow myself to feel the rhythm of the letters. As I journey farther into the book I find that the ayaat are completely foreign to my mind and spirit.

As I try to etch the words on my heart I feel as though I am writing circles on water, quicksand, dough, then wet cement. When I reach this point I just have to keep it fresh revising and reciting it everyday until it solidifies  on my heart.  But how long will that take?


I used to think that memorizing Quran would get easier once I was able to be consistent. But that isn’t the case (yet?). The more I chase after it the more it seems to disappear. It evades my grasp leaving me to wonder if I am doing something wrong. Then the ayaat begin to overlap and I time warp from one sura to another, connecting different meanings and getting lost in the sounds. 


Then I smile. Then I turn and grin. Allah is with me and this is my path. This journey is the medicine that I need in my heart. This is the healing I’ve been looking for. Quran is a cure for everything in the breast. Sometimes I guess I need to take my medicine slowly.

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Sura Nuh



“Surely we sent Nuh to his people to warn them before a painful punishment came.”


 It took me a while to memorize this sura. There were a lot of personal lessons I had to learn in order to finish it. I had to learn, again, how important it is to sleep. I had to learn how valuable quiet moments are. And Allah also caused me to remember what a blessing it is to be in good health. Master Yoda and the children were all sick. Or rather they are all sick. They dropped like flies one after the other. And they are enjoying the blessings of delicious cough drops. 


Sickness is beyond our control. We can take all the medicines and wear the masks but what is coming for a person won’t miss him or her. And what was coming to the disobedient people of Noah only missed a few of them. It missed the few who chose to believe.


Allah sends us messages through the messengers because He loves us. He wants to give us the choice and the chance to turn to Him alone. Sura Nuh is the story of a people who were the first to commit the worst sin in history. Their sin was idolatry. In my discussions with Master Yoda about this sura, ( he has done comparative christian research on Nuh/Noah peace be upon him) he mentioned so many pieces of the story that are left out or misconstrued in the Bible. 


So here are some quick facts, for anyone reading, just to have the Quranic story straight,

  1. Noah was sent to his people by Allah/God to warn the people and protect them from a painful punishment.
  2. He counseled them to worship Allah, to fear Allah, and to obey him.
  3. He delivered the message for 950 years.
  4. He preached out loud/openly, in secret/privately, day and night.
  5. He told them of the rewards of Allah and that Allah would bless and increase them in wealth and children, and give them lush gardens and flowing rivers.
  6. He delivered the message to the point that his people put their fingers in their ears and wrapped  themselves in their clothing to avoid him.
  7. After 950 years of seeing generation after generation led astray He prayed to Allah that these people would be removed from the earth because of their sins and the fact that they only gave birth to sinning criminals.


I can’t imagine the dedication it must have taken to deliver the message to people who didn’t even want to hear it for 950 years. Perhaps I can have a little more courage in doing the things that I find difficult.